Can we break free from chains of never-ending agony? (Jazalea)

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The days had turned in to weeks slowly in the flat. Jake went to work and came home with little and less enthusiasm for the world since Boxing Day. Coming home brought the agonising reality that Azalea would once again need him to hold her for the evening until they mutually agreed on sleep. Or rather, Jake reminded her that they needed to sleep. He'd tried his best, coming home with films to watch a couple of nights, though whether Azalea watched was beyond him.

But Jake simply tried, as he always did, to make sure she knew he was not leaving.

It had come as something as a shock to Jake that he had become less of a heavy sleeper these last couple of weeks. Azalea had retreated from the bedroom more times than he liked to count to sit and cry. Hoping he wouldn't know, perhaps, or afraid of waking him. But each time Azalea climbed from their bed, Jake would follow no more than ten minutes later, pulling the witch in to his lap and holding her whilst she cried.

Cried and eventually fell asleep. It had not become surprising that most mornings they woke on the sofa, cuddled up to one another from exhaustion. Neither one of them would mention the antics, Jake too intent on keeping the tears from Azalea's eyes for a few more hours. Deep down the Quidditch star knew this was not the right way to deal with things, but he didn't know what else to do.

And then there was the burden that he'd promise Kit to let him know what was wrong. No, it wasn't Jake's place, and maybe for once in Jake's life he would go back on a promise, because protecting Azalea from the world was so much more important.

01:52AM

Jake blinked profusely against the glare from the clock, trying to read the numbers but failing. Saturday morning, he knew that and Azalea's side of the bed was empty. Cold crept up the left hand side of his body where the witch could only have led a few moments ago. Rubbing his eyes with the balls of his hand, Jake let out a soft sigh. How long they were going to do this for was beyond him, but Jake simply couldn't work out how to make the witch stop crying.

Pushing himself out of bed, Jake picked up the blanket from the end of the bed and moved out to the lounge. True to form, Azalea sat on the sofa, curled up. Jake didn't need to see the tears to know she was crying once more. This was all his fault, if he'd not mentioned children a few months ago, he could have made the witch believe he'd never wanted them in the first place. But he'd opened his mouth and now Azalea was suffering.

"I'm here." Jake whispered softly as he sat down beside the witch, draping the blanket around her form before pulling her in to his lap. "I'm here, you're okay." He insisted, wrapping his arms around the witch and holding her close. There was nothing more he could say any more, Azalea probably didn't hear him anyway.

Every day Azalea tried to forget and every day she failed.

Life wasn't all that different now than it had been before. She still worked, she still came home, she still cooked and cleaned and shopped for groceries and picked up the dry cleaning and kept up with her studies and personal correspondence. Azalea did everything she'd always done, except the thing she did most these days was pretend.

It happened at the most inopportune moments like the space between rinsing off the last dish and turning off the tap. The thoughts would come stabbing back, leaving her staring blankly into space as the sink overflowed. It happened when she was halfway through cutting fruit, leaving her turned to atone as the steel edge of the blade found human flesh instead, peppering her mixture with droplets of bright red blood.

It happened in the middle of the night when she would wake up all of a sudden, smothered by the realization that there was a huge gaping flaw inside her, so vast and deep that if she ever looked at herself, the flaw was all she would ever see.

That was how the bathroom mirror had gone. One january afternoon the witch had caught her reflection while scrubbing the tub and when Azalea had come around, it was with blood all over the tiled floor and the sign of freshly healed cuts all over her arm.

It had taken an hour to clean up the mess and a few minutes of lying to assure jake that the mirror had broken by accident. Maybe he knew, maybe he didn't, all the brunette knew was that no replacement had been ordered.

The one in their bedroom was harder to get rid of, so Azalea had taken to avoiding it, taking the longer route to the door, making sure not to walk in any way that would reflect her own damaged body back at her and scurrying out of her own bed in the middle of the night because there was no time during the day to sit and cry and acknowledge all the pain one felt. The day was for being normal and the night was for falling apart.

And the worst part, the thing that hurt even more, was watching Jake try.

She could see it reflected in his gaze, how hard he tried every day to pretend nothing was wrong, to pretend they could still make it and that he wasn't living with a deceased person who could bring him nothing but misery. She watched im sometimes, he was so young, he deserved so much better than wasting his life away with her. One day she would have to put a stop to it, she would have to be the strong one and walk out because he would never tell her to leave. He would sooner let her shatter him beyond repair then ask her to go away.

His promise to never leave would be his downfall, and all because of her.

As another silent cry ripped from her body, Azalea felt the blanket around her, followed shortly by Jake's warm embrace. Too weak to resist, Azalea let him pull her narrow frame into his lap, the silent tears coursing down her face as he held her.

"I'm here, you're okay."

"i... I wan't to go h-home," the witch managed brokenly even as she clung to him. She couldn't put him through this anymore, even if it killed her. "Ca-can't stay her-here."

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Jake had only just got comfortable, Azalea clinging to him as normal, and the tears leaking slowly in to the blanket or down his bare chest. The situation could never be comfortable though, but if his body was at ease, it would allow more time for his mind to slowly break everything wrong apart.

"I... I want to go h-home,"

The words had not been something Jake had expected. Silence filled the room usually, the sobs from Azalea the only thing that broke through. But today... Today his body would not be allowed to relax either as his whole body tensed at her words, trying and failing to defend himself from the blow that had come.

"Ca-can't stay her-here."

Jake's eyes closed at the words. She wouldn't know how much hearing those words hurt, she didn't need to know. The Quidditch star merely rested his head on top of hers, scrunching his eyes together to stop the betrayal of tears. Jake had to be strong, there was no other way in which the two could survive if he didn't keep himself together. But even as he tried to hide the fear that he hadn't acknowledged since the first lesson of the year, Jake's arms had carefully drawn her closer.

"You don't have to go, Azalea." Jake finally managed, though his voice was already breaking with the threat of tears that were coming. "I... would like you to stay." The young man continued, swallowing thickly in a manner to try to calm down. His heart was pounding against his rib cage though, his breathing shallower, the clear signs of his body's betrayal to his mind.

Jake's head swam with anything he could say, but it was blank. The idea of begging her to stay was not something he'd ruled out, but when all was said and done, if Azalea truly wanted to go, he would not hold that decision against her. Questions of coming back if she went formulated in Jake's mind and he quickly pressed them away. Did he really need to be told that if she left she wasn't going to come back?

No, he already knew the answer.

"You don't have to go, everything will be alright." Jake whispered. It was the only truth he knew anymore. They could fix it, make everything alright, so long as neither of them went anywhere.

"You don't have to go, Azalea."

"C-can't stay here," the witch repeated, shaking her head even as he drew her closer. She could feel his heart, feel the erratic beats that had become so impossibly entangled to hers that spending any amount of time away from him would make her stop breathing, stop living. But that was still better than what she was doing to him.

"I... would like you to stay."

"No," the protest started weak but as it left her lips, muffled and torn, the witch pushed away from him, leaving the security of the blanket and Jake's arm and instead scooting to the other side of the sofa. Her brown hair hung limp and lifeless over her shoulders as she shook her head again. "You don't understand."

"You don't have to go, everything will be alright."

Another sob threatened to choke her as it made its way out of the witch, resulting in the painful sensation in her chest that she suspected she would now have to get used to. "Can't do this to y-you anymore," she managed, reaching up to swipe angrily at the tears on her face.

"You come home every d-day... stay up at night, you can-can't, I can't..." There were no words to explain to him how it felt to be the cause of his pain, how it felt good to imagine an end to her life just so he could finally get some peace. She could never tell him how much she hated herself in that moment, how much she hated herself in every moment for doing this to him.

But she could stop, she could leave.

"I can't be fixed..." she managed defeatedly. "And you d-deserve better."

Guest

"You don't understand."

Azalea was right, he didn't understand. Jake hadn't understood anything since Boxing Day, no matter how hard he tried to work out what Azalea had told him that day. How could a nineteen year old not have children? Jake didn't understand, because he'd never been in a position where conceiving a child was impossible. He had, for the most part live in a dream world where everything went how you wanted to.

With Azalea moving from his lap, Jake could already feel the pang of pain that came with distance from the witch. The uncontrollable thoughts that if he let her go now he would have to deal with this pain more frequently that he'd like to even think about.

"You come home every d-day... stay up at night, you can-can't, I can't..."

"I can, and I will." Jake corrected. Yes, he was tired. Yes, he'd run out of ideas of trying to make everything okay. But no, he would not let this ruin the one thing that he had going for him in the world. Azalea wouldn't see it, probably couldn't, but Jake wasn't going to give up because of a rough period. Jake truly believed they were better. "We'll work through this." Jake told the witch, passing the blanket to keep her warm in the Canadian winter chill.

"I can't be fixed..." she managed defeatedly. "And you d-deserve better."

That statement made Jake close his eyes momentarily. Calming himself from an outburst that she was being stupid. Jake understood why she was like this, and he would never blame her for those feelings. But he would help. "Azalea," Jake started, shuffling along the sofa and taking the witch's hand very carefully in his own. "I know you aren't going to believe me, and I'm not angry at you for that, but I don't want anything in this world but you..." A single tear slipped down Jake's cheek, causing him to blink profusely for a moment to stop any more. "I don't care if you can't have c-children. Nor do I care if I 'deserve' better, because I don't believe... don't believe for a second that it's true."

The young man paused, looking at their hands together and closing his eyes against the tears. "I don't care if it's only ever just the two of us, Azalea. What I do care about is that you're like this, and I don't know what to do, Azalea. How do I make it better? That's all I want..."

"I can, and I will."

No, the witch wanted to scream but her body wouldn't let her. Hoarse and exhausted and sore as it was, it no longer had the power to fight, yell and scream or make its presence known. These days Azalea only had enough endurance to pretend during the day and wait for the end in the nights, curled up on her own sometimes and with Jake on other nights. There could never be a world where doing this to Jake would be fair, no universe in which his current state was justifiable.

"We'll work through this."

"And if we don't," she asked, glancing up at him just as he passed her the blanket. "What if we never work through this?" As much as it hurt her to admit it, she didn't believe it would get better. Azalea had long since stopped believing that she was meant for better but that didn't have to be true for Jake. He was too nice to see it but he could have a perfectly normal, happy existence if he simply deleted the one variable in his life that took her form.

"I know you aren't going to believe me, and I'm not angry at you for that, but I don't want anything in this world but you..."

"For how long, Jake," the witch pleaded, her tear washed eyes begging for an answer as he took her hand. "How long before you realize I'm... I can't... Before I'm no longer enough?" The words were out of her mouth before she had time to think how they would sound. Utter conviction lead her tone because Azalea knew - with the certainty with which terminal patients knew they were dying - that she was and never would be good enough.

It was only a matter of time until Jake saw it too.

"I don't care if it's only ever just the two of us, Azalea. What I do care about is that you're like this, and I don't know what to do, Azalea. How do I make it better? That's all I want..."

"I don't know," the witch cried out, the sorrow and anger both clear in her voice. "I don't know how to fix this, I don't know how to make you happy I... I wish I was dead..."

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"What if we never work through this?"

"I... don't know." Jake replied honestly, because he'd only thought of them succeeding, as they always did. "But we'll deal with that when we get there." He added not a moment later, willing her to think positively. "We can try though, first." The second whispered addition came to tell her that he was not giving up. Not now.

"How long before you realize I'm... I can't... Before I'm no longer enough?"

Inching a little closer to the witch, trying not to scare her away again, Jake gave Azalea hand a soft squeeze. "Never, Azalea." He told her firmly, because if he knew anything in this world, it was that it would never matter what life threw at them, not to him, his view would never change. "I love you, Azalea, I don't know the ins and outs of what that means, but I know that the idea of losing you, of you leaving..." The young man trailed off as his eyes threatened more tears. He would not allow them, not right now, this was not his time. Raising their joined hands to his chest, Jake pressed her hand over his heart. His heart was racing and he had no doubt that Azalea would feel it. "It makes my body do things I don't understand, Azalea.

"You know I'm not the most romantic guy in the world, but if this isn't because the idea of you leaving terrifies me, then please tell me what it is..." He whispered. It was the only way he could make her understand. Words could be manipulated to what she wanted to hear, but his body couldn't lie. "Trust me, Azalea, I told you I wouldn't leave you... And I don't break my promises." Jake whispered, resolving that he would have to tell Kit, or at least go with Azalea to tell him.

"I don't know how to fix this, I don't know how to make you happy I... I wish I was dead..."

And that was the killer blow in the whole conversation.

Jake sat looking at Azalea for some time, shock evident in his features. Then hurt that she would think such things. That he'd allowed her to think such things. Anger was a luxury for other men, so it was only sadness that consumed Jake. And before he'd realised what had happened he'd allowed Azalea to see every process of that just in his eyes, the way his body sagged, everything.

"Please don't say such things, Azalea." Jake breathed, shaking his head as his breath caught in his chest. The young man's eyes looked down at their hands on his chest, forcing a steadying breath. "Please don't say that..." He whispered again, in case she hadn't heard.

"My hap-... My happiness resides in you."

"I... don't know."

It didn't surprise her that Jake didn't have the answers she needed, no one possibly could for there were no answers when life flung such sadness your way. The offer of a second opinion had been tempting, in her more desperate moment but even without healers, it was like a part of her had always known she wasn't meant for normal things.

Some people were meant to lead ordinary, happy lives and Azalea had never been one among them. Perhaps this was fate's insurance because her own parents had abandoned her, a way to make sure she never did the same to any child of her own. And if fate was a being that could be reasoned with, Azalea would have given anything at the chance to try. As it was, no one was listening to her helpless cies except the one person she had never wanted to hurt in the first place.

"I love you, Azalea, I don't know the ins and outs of what that means, but I know that the idea of losing you, of you leaving..."

The witch flinched as she felt his heart give out an almost audible beat, one reflected in her own body as her breathing hitched. In a perfect world her flaws wouldn't matter, they wouldn't cause him unhappiness. But if there was one thing Azalea had learned in her life, it was that a perfect world had never been in her reach.

"I'm sorry," she breathed, her hand still pressed against his heart, unable to move no matter how much she wanted to, unable to let go because letting go of him had become impossible a long time ago and yet.

And yet there was no other way.

"What would you do..? she asked, her voice cracking as the question finally surfaced. "If you thought you were hurting me... If you thought you were the reason behind my sadness..?" There was no other way to make him understand than to turn the situation around, to make him see how she loathed what she was doing to him.

"I can't live thinking I... If I go away, at least you'll..." Happiness was a memory now, a distant concept that seemed to have existed too long ago, at the edge of fuzzy memory and hard to recall. But even if not happiness, at least no this, not waking up every other night to find her sobbing on the couch and breaking his heart anew.

"My hap-... My happiness resides in you."

"I'm sorry," the witch repeated because she was. She was sorry that his happiness was attached to her, to someone who could never bring him happiness. "For everything."

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"If you thought you were hurting me... If you thought you were the reason behind my sadness..?"

"I wouldn't hurt you." Jake replied softly, reaching out very, very carefully to wipe her tears away. "Not purposefully. You're not hurting me, not purposefully." He told her. Yes, there was hurt, but Jake knew the difference between intentional pain and incidental. "You're not purposefully trying to hurt me, Azalea... None of this is your fault."

"I can't live thinking I... If I go away, at least you'll..."

"If you go away... I would be in a worse state, Azalea." Jake told her softly. "Who would I have to put out my clothes in the morning? Who would help me with my tie when I'm too nervous to do it before a game? Who would come to my matches despite not liking sport? Who would be waiting here when I got home from work with my dinner? Who would I cuddle up to in the evenings to find complete peace with?

"No one, Azalea, no one but you can do that. You're the only one who's embrace makes me feel safe. The only one who's kisses take away the aches and pains of life. You are the only one who could build a home from a house for me, Azalea. If you go away, you take everything I have. If you leave, you take with you only a fraction of the pain you think you can cause me. The news hurt, Azalea, but if you left, you would break me beyond repair."

"I'm sorry,"

Bringing Azalea's hand up to his lips, Jake brushed his lips against each of her knuckles, gentle and loving as he always would be. "You don't have to be sorry, Azalea. This is difficult, it is upsetting, but we can... we can talk it through and decide what we want to do. We... have options, or we can play the cards we've been dealt." He whispered, drawing her close to him once more.

"But we are not going to have to do that alone. We will always work together."

"If you go away... I would be in a worse state, Azalea."

If Jake could imagine a state worse than this and the witch had severely underestimated his imagination until now. Everything looked bleak and unsolvable from where she stood but as Jake continued to list the reasons why his life would b worse of without her, the witch failed to grasp his reasonings. All the things he said, there was nothing special about them, anyone could have done those things for Jake happily.

And yet he was convinced that Azalea was the only one he would let do them for him.

More tears plummeted towards the couch as Jake gently brushed his lips along her knuckles, promising reassurances that she no longer believed in. The witch didn't want to talk about options, she didn't want to talk about a life made around her deformity because every effort made to erase it would just remind her of its existence.

But if Jake wanted options, she would do even that. If it meant that much to him.

She couldn't leave, she couldn't make him happy and happiness was so far beyond her own grasp that it no longer felt real.

"Jake I..." the word "sorry" came to mind once more. As did "have to leave" but she no longer had that choice, not in the wake of his monologue. So instead the brunette merely shook her head, reaching forwards to seek shelter in his embrace once more.

He wasn't going to let her go, even if she killed him. And she didn't have the courage when it mattered most.

Guest

"Jake I..."

Jake hushed her softly, drawing her small frame back close to him. "It doesn't matter." Jake whispered softly for the umpteenth time. It would always matter though, and he knew that more than anything else in this moment. Not to him, but to Azalea.

There would be a day where they could sit down, talk through everything but that wasn't today. It would take a lot of time to get their heads around it, but time was a luxury they both had. Even if by the end of the talk the outcome would be the same, they would have what always mattered more to Jake.

Each other.

"Promise me... you'll keep yourself safe, though, Azalea. For me..." Jake whispered, her words from earlier still echoing in his mind. "Don't do anything..." The words wouldn't come though, through fear of anything happening.

"And... you don't have to keep running away from me, Azalea. I'm always here for you, you don't have to hide." Jake whispered, hoping to put an end to the late night retreats to the sofa. The Quidditch star wasn't going to ask her to stop crying, he knew that wasn't something he could get, but reassuring her that she didn't have to hide was something he could do.

"Can you do that for me, Azalea?" Jake asked softly, not knowing how else to approach things except using her feelings for him as an anchor to keep her safe.

"Promise me... you'll keep yourself safe, though, Azalea. For me..."

The words were both familiar and foreign in their whispered intensity as Azalea kept her head buried into Jake, trying once again to shut off the outside world in the hopes that maybe they could stop time again, maybe they could have a few seconds of oblivion away from the realization that shadowed their existence each day.

But oblivion didn't come easily, and it didn't come with Jake, it only happened in those rare moments when she passed out mid task and awoke to realize something must have happened that resulted in healing scars on her body. Jake wanted her to be safe but there was no external threat to Azalea, no the threat was inside.

Nevertheless the witch nodded, he deserved that peace of mind and the evidence was always easily hidden. Her flesh, hypocritical as it was, remained its perfect exterior no matter how many shards she fished out of it, no matter how much blood flowed. It would remain unaffected, indifferent, empty. Just like her.

"And... you don't have to keep running away from me, Azalea. I'm always here for you, you don't have to hide."

The brunette shook her head slightly, trying to convey that she wasn't hiding, not in the real sense of the word. She was just overwhelmingly guilty, and being the cause of him not getting enough sleep was one more crime added to her list. "I can't sleep..." she confessed. Every night the urge to claw her way out of her body, to stop being this thing she had become, only grew and while some days she managed to suppress it by staying in bed, other days it was too much. She needed to cry, she needed to let something out so she could go on pretending the next day that the world as she knew it hadn't ended nearly two months ago.

"I tried.... b-but I..."

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With the witch curled up against him, Jake held her close to him. There was no denying he was scared of what was still to come, he was scared of what he'd seen the information do to Azalea. Mad at himself for not being there when the news had been delivered, convinced that if he had been everything would be different.

But he hadn't been there.

"I can't sleep..."

"I know." Jake replied softly, reaching up to brush his fingers through the witch's hair. The Quidditch star was completely aware he was out of his depth, but for Azalea he simply would not contemplate giving in.

"I tried.... b-but I..."

As the witch fell silent, Jake led down gently, pulling her down with him. Each night was the same, they didn't get any further forward. Tears, apologies, and Jake terrified of the unknown. "I understand." He whispered, making sure to cover Azalea's body in the blanket. To keep her safe. "I'm right here."

Timidly, Jake used his hand to push her chin up. Silently asking her to look at him. Words were a waste, but actions would be enough. Pressing his lips ever so gently to Azalea's, the caring manner in which he held her was all he had left to give to her.

It was the manner of which Jake lacked so greatly for her.

He only had to pray it wasn't going to cost him the woman he loved so deeply.

» Its 16 miles, to the promised lands (Jazalea)
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» And I decided you look well on (Jazalea)
» Every Now and Then I Fall Apart (Jazalea)