Private Tutoring (Jake)

It was a Monday afternoon and Tess found herself trying not to run from her Charms class to the second floor. It was only one floor down, so she tried to be casual. Her book was tight against her chest as she chatted with Rhian, in a brief but satisfying conversation. They were trying to be civil and she really wanted to listen to her. It had to do with something about her boyfriend, who truth be told Tess wasn't quite fond of. Yet they were in a long term, much more sane than Tess' own experience which was a bit unfair. Either way, this conversation was taking too long.

"So..I'm going to go to DADA real quick for something. I'll see you around okay?" Tess said a shy smile on her face.

With a nod from Rhian, Tess walked down the stairway towards the second floor and towards the lesson. She was more excited than she cared to admit, yet nervous. She'd read books about it, but she knew background information didn't always mean experiencing it. Reaching the door to Jake's office, she knocked softly, hoping he remembered she was coming.

As she was signaled to come in, Tess immediately did so, sitting down on the chair that was directly in front of the desk. She studied the room, it was like every other office, nothing special and nothing too memorable. She knew that Mycroft's own was all cherry red wood with no pictures directed towards the guest but rather himself, keeping them protected. Putting her books to the side, she sat straight on the chair and waited for him to speak to her.

"How are you today?"

Tess turned to look at him and smiled shyly. Truth be told, she was a bit excited and had tried to calm her nerves as to not seem too easily distracted.

"I'm excited, if I can be that honest sir" she said softly.

The way he spoke to her, she felt it was him trying to calm her down. She wasn't too worried about failing, not really, it was just that she was going to open up and have to be vulnerable. She appreciated him trying to make it seem like a safe place, a place where she could voice her concerns and be more open than simple yes and no responses.

At the ways to relax, she already did yoga in her spare time. It did help her move more fluid when practicing anything, even Quidditch, an as for meditation, it was how she cleared her mind, always by the black lake. And also took time to try and find the way her mind just went quiet. He told her to seek them out herself and she agreed, thinking that it was best if she continued her work on her own, something that made her less dependent on him.

"Do you have any questions before we start today?"

She bit her lip at his questioned and did wonder if she had something to ask. There were so many things, but they were so into the future that she didn't bother, there was never a timeline for things like this.

"Just..just a request. I-I tend to have a hard time being open, with my thoughts let alone being open about past experiences. I just ask for you not to judge me..I'd really appreciate that if you could and not..not be disappointed in anything please" she finished in as whisper.

Tess bit her lip tightly as he spoke to her about her request. It was an odd one, one that made her embarrassed to admit was a necessity for her. It reassured her that she wasn't going to have to second guess any mistake in case anything showed. She smiled softly at him, a bit nervous about all of this, and nodded as he told her to take her time to get ready.

Sitting up straight, she closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on all the things around her. Breathing in steadily, she tried to find that place that always tended to calm her down. In and out, her breathing slowed down, the pressure was still around her, and her head was laced with insecurities. She was a bit embarrassed she was taking long to clear her head; she imagined a brick, slowly building itself up, around the entrance of her mind. Slowly until it was solid, in her own opinion. Raising her thumb slowly, it was off.

A sharp breath was knocked out of her and she was relieved to find herself resting on the chair. Her mind felt as if a strong wind tunnel was coming through, one that knocked down the bricks she laid down so sure of herself. There was no use in trying, her mind was once more vulnerable to everything.


Her mind immediately began to create the surroundings of her past event. There were colors, so many shades of whites, blues, purples, and blacks swirling all around. She inhaled deeply and exhaled just the same. Soon enough that buzz in her ear was heard and colors began to swirl into a place. The place became her father's office, and more frightening then that, she found herself looking at a little girl sitting in the chair three times her size.

Her hair was down, a bit ribbon keeping a few strands from her face. Her cheeks were still red and the innocence clear in her eyes, but held so much shame. Her dress was dirty, and based on the look on her father's face it wasn't a good thing. Rising up he walked towards her and grabbed her arm making her yelp.

"Why did you do it?!" he hissed.

She could see herself crying softly, as the man shook her all the more. She hadn't meant to do it, the flower garden was something that was her mother's, and she only spent time with Mycroft never enough time with her. She wanted to be noticed, she wanted to be told she was special. She wanted to be reassured and told she mattered. But no, her fifteen year old brother had to get all the attention. She hadn't meant to ruin anything. Her six year old self wanted to show them that she was a good child too, so she'd grab the broom and tried to fly only for her to ruin not only the broom, but the precious flower garden.

"I'm sowwy" she cried out as she covered her face as a good slap came her way. This was not a one time case, but rather a way of discipline.

"Why do you get in the way of things?! Mycroft earns his attention unlike you, who just patters around. Look at you, a mess, only because you couldn't handle being let out. Face it, you're only good at getting in the way, don't bother denying it"

She saw not only her five year old self crying, but she herself was doing the same. She'd forgotten that had ever happened in her life. Looking around she realized she'd never could remember entering her father's office as a child. It was only until later, at least in her memories she dared entered.

It was then she realized that in her attempt to push back, she'd been pushed so far into her psyche that repressed memories began to rise.

Panic began to rise in her mind; outside, her body began to breath heavily, her nails digging into the arm rests.

It was all to raw, in her mind, she began to try and build walls only for them to break soon after. She tried to push back, as she had in the lesson, but it seemed harder this time.

Curling up in a ball, she covered her face, her own thoughts circulating around her almost taunting her. She tried to breathe as her actual body was attempting to do, but it was frightening. She thought of a bubble, around her an sure enough a small one was forming, it was weak, oh so weak but the images were becoming blurry. Slowly she laid there hoping to shield herself to push back but it wasn't happening.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out"

Slowly she tried to calm down her heaving chest as she realized her surroundings. Where she thought that she was curled up only in her mind, it turned out her body had physically moved to copy it. She didn't dare lift her head, instead she tried to calm herself down from the panic attack she felt she was having. She felt a bit nauseous, her stomach flipped and it was by no way helping her breathing. She hoped it wouldn't grow to something bigger, it'd been four years since her last panic attack.

Placing a hand on her chest, she hoped to calm down the rapidly beating heart as her body trembled trying to cope with the memory. She'd forgotten it so long ago, didn't even know it had happened till that very moment. Her legs began to tingle, signaling she needed to move. She made a little noise, trying to speak but nothing came out. She wanted her brother, she wanted to be held and told that it was okay and that he understood.

"Tess... You're safe here." Jake's tone attempting to be soothing. "I won't let anything hurt you. They... were just memories."

She flinched from his words and instead buried her face deeper into her chest feeling as if there was not enough air in her lungs to help her deal. A few minutes passed, and she felt better, relieved at least her breathing had calmed down, not having enough energy to be horrified at her weakness.

"Would you like a piece of chocolate before we move on?"

She shook her head, she never did like chocolate. She wanted to grow some composure, and blinked a few times hoping her lashes would stop getting stuck together from her tears.

"Just a moment" she whispered softly, her shakes still showing on her hands as she tightened her hold on her knees.